Pumped throughout the night so woke feeling anything but rested this morning. Feel like some sort of machine when I'm pumping; can't believe how different the whole breastfeeding experience has been so far. But I woke up, pumped again, had breakfast, jumped in the shower, and was off to the hospital again.
I was anxious to see my son (Alex) as always, but wasn't really feeling up or down. Probably closer to the down side, but more I just felt tired and numb to everything on this day.
I checked Alex's chart and was excited to see he had gained almost an ounce since he was last weighed the day before. Soon after I arrived Alex's new nurse introduced herself and asked if I wanted to hold him while she gave him his tube feeds. He had been regurging (spitting up) following his feeds for some time so they hoped my holding him upright would help. I held him upright for the 10 a.m. and 4 p.m. feeds, and against my breast for the 12 p.m. I continued to change his diaper and was told that I could soon start bathing him. This was all good news, but I just felt out of it.
During the hour I spent at home in the afternoon I checked my email which I had avoided doing for some time. My heart sank at the number of people requesting to come to the hospital to meet Alex. I don't know if I was supposed to feel the opposite- excited that people wanted to meet him- but all I felt was sad. No one was supposed to have met him yet, and it didn't seem right having people come in to see the little guy for the first time while he was in an incubator. So I decided to ignore the requests. I was finding it hard enough to 'entertain' my parents when they arrived for a few minutes here and there to see their grandson; it was taking all of my energy just to get through each day. I think too it was hard seeing other people happy and excited to meet him as I was still feeling overwhelmed with guilt, worry, and uncertainty.
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