Feelings of Guilt

Giving birth to a child early brings on a load of guilt. I was told that the chances were that there was nothing I could have done to prevent the early delivery, but I couldn't help but feel responsible. It could have been the result of so many things: diet, exercise, job stress...

I had been eating relatively well, but I still had sandwich meat on occasion which is apparently something you're supposed to avoid. I had also gained a considerable amount of weight during the first trimester so was watching what I ate quite carefully- maybe too carefully? And maybe I was drinking too much water as the last ultrasound showed my amniotic fluid was a little high- not that I really knew what that meant.

The exercise was what I focused most on. I had always been a competitive athlete so it can be hard to 'slow down'. Feeling so nauseous during the first trimester definitely helped me do just that however. So when the second trimester rolled around and I started feeling better, I naturally got back into exercising. I don't think I did anything excessive- to me, it was quite moderate. But again, maybe it was too much? I think my baby's head had been in the downward position for some time so maybe my exercising had just increased the pressure which led to my water breaking? I've been told it's unlikely, but again, the thoughts are still there.

Lastly, job stress. My job is very stressful and as much as I tried to not let it get to me, especially while I was pregnant, there were times that it was a bit overwhelming. The reason I wonder if it had something to do with the premature birth is because of how stressful it had really been the few days leading up to the early labour and delivery. But then I question how being stressed could cause the early rupture of membranes?

My support system continually told me that there was probably nothing I could have done to prevent the premature delivery. It's hard to believe that's the case, and in a way I don't want to. If there was a reason for the premature delivery than there's a chance it can be prevented in the future; otherwise it means it's totally out of my control and I'm at higher risk for another premature delivery down the line.

The doctors and my support system were quite adamant that I should not be feeling guilty and responsible for the early delivery. Some of the nurses in the NICU on the other hand... I was told that it was likely the cause of any of the reasons I had mentioned earlier and there was definitely direct blaming by a few. It seemed like a few were also fishing for possible reasons; ie. was my risk increased because I smoked, drank, did drugs, etc. None of which I do, but the inquiries, as subtle as they sometimes were, remained.

Many months have passed since I gave birth to my little baby boy and the feelings of guilt remain. They have dimmed considerably since those first few weeks, but they are still there. I question whether they will ever really go away, especially when I look back at that time in our lives.